tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
