I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
