maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize