she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
