thus making me awesome and them whores
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
