I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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