I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
