I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
