So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
