fuck your aforementioned shoe
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize