I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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