Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
