Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
