he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
