Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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