dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Still dying that you shit outside
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
