I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
