Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
