Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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