i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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