I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
