Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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