I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
