woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize