What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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