If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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