therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
