My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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