Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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