Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
