last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize