Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
