Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
