you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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