I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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