How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
