o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
