I'm so fucking centered right now
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
