Please don't use social media to get back at me.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
