everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
