just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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