This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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