Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
