what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
