Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
