While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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