sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
