I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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