glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
