I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
