I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Someone came in the potted fern
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
