I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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