The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Terrible idea I love it
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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