Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
