hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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