I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
